Florida Man vs. Hard monster

*Plus special bonus footage of Jared skating a curb next to a burnt snake…

It seems like an ol’ faithful (Florida Man) and something so terrible (Monster Hard Seltzer) make a properly double-fisted entry point to these ramblings, and the duplicitous nature of drinking in general, so let’s begin.

While the Florida Man is good enough by namesake alone, it’s also heavy on the liver, instituting a viable liquid stretch in about half the time of lesser bevys. 8.5% alcohol content is a real plus when you’re old and alcoholic and you wander away, leaving this man can in some sun cooked corner to boil down to cough-syrup-like consistency.

Thus in the land of perpetual summer and perpetual mistakes, that’s probably to righteously enjoy a beer called “Florida Man”: sitting yourself down at the shittiest dumpster or Circle K parking lot of your choosing and really get it going. Maybe things will get interesting. Maybe make the call. Maybe get angry and drunk and punch/rape an alligator. Maybe crash your pickup truck into Disney World for being a fag…Ahhhh, Florida! Take it in…..(While supplies last)   

That being said, it’s a much better first beer rather than an ender-ender when you’re half-drunk and dehydrated. Pairing another Florida Man Can with “Hard Monster” predictably put a bitter nail in the coffin. (Malinsky wants me to mention getting so drunk that I couldn’t blunt a parking curb).

Now, about Hard Monster, IT’S BAD!!! And not in a George Thorogood and the Destroyers kind of way. Coincidentally, I award its zero sugar content a zero rating on taste and drinkability. Besides, if you’re drinking tallboys of Monster Hard Seltzer, sugar is the least of your worries. Grow up, get a case of Mountain Dew and a teener, ya fucking baby!  Florida Man would!